The Earth Goes 'Round the Sun

I remember when Julia was in Montessori pre-K and on their birthday's the parents would come to class, all the kids in their 'room' would sit in a circle and they would place this globe in the center.  Then the birthday person would walk around it as they sang "The Earth goes round the sun, the earth goes round the sun, high ho dedario, and then Julia was ONE". They would continue this until they got to the actual age of the person walking in the circle.   I loved that!  Then it dawned on me how many circles it would take me and I would either throw up or dizzy myself right into the globe.  "And then Mommy was gone"... Makes me laugh just imagining that. 

Birthday's have always been a big deal in my house.  I LOVE birthdays! The cake with fresh flowers (yes, the girls actually asked me if they were real roses and gerbera daisies on Emma's cheesecake), picking up the gift, now the goody bags are getting goofier (pop rock candy, the gooey spray in a can, mardi gras masks and glow bracelets for the skating rink) and the sleep overs.  I never believed in the 'rent the damn pony' parties like my children were invited to. Never quite got into the 'rent a Cinderella carriage at the club' either.  It's the one day I DO let my children eat whatever they want.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner.  If I had eaten what Emma ate (sausage biscuit for breakfast, chicken fingers and mac & cheese for lunch with a tiaramisu dessert, pizza for dinner with her cheesecake) I would have instantly gained 50 pounds and I think arteries would have clogged immediately therefore sending me straight into the cheesecake.  Alas, I am not 11 though.  


Which brings me to my body.  I am not 11.  I am not 22.  I am not even 33.  I am 42.  I remember my Grandmother telling me when I was about 13 that inside she felt the exact same as I did, it was the outside that was having trouble keeping up.  Brilliant woman! Sweet Gramma.  She was my step-mother's Mom.  She lived with us in the house in Lexington, something so few people get to enjoy now.  I want to be her when I grow up. I watched Spanglish last night and realized that the Grandmother part, reminded me so much of her.  Smiling, laughing, always something funny and good to say.  She would pat your hand and DING it's 5:00 o'clock.  It's Scotch time. She died peacefully in her sleep at 85. 


OK back to the body thing.  I'm walking but not 'hoofing it'.  My friend Lisa said it best yesterday "I am the worst. If I can't find the ipod or I don't have any water or if it looks like it might rain, I won't go to the gym".  Well, I don't go to the gym. I walk in the hood here. Which, I do love.  But I realized that although I might be satisfied with what's going on everywhere else in my life, my body is not one of those areas. 


I'm not sagging like a raisin or anything. And I did get excited & was SO complimented when they carded me at Harris Teeter,  until I realized it was THE LAW.  Not a good moment.  But a needed one.  I DO feel the same on the inside that I did when I was 20, but my body is trying to rebel against me a little bit right now and I'm getting pretty pissed about it.  Can't sleep one minute, so exhausted the next I can't keep my eyes open. Not really hungry very much, but it appears if I went 1 calorie over 20 per day, I would be the size of a barn.  Now, who's gene pool did that one come from?!  And no, it's not THE change.  I checked. 

I want to kick box again.  I want to hit that bag HARD!  I want to almost run.  I want I want I want.  I know, the wambulance is coming.  And I read my MORE magazine last night; the one for women over 40.  It is funny and  uplifting and cheeky but seriously the women are airbrushed. So what's the point of that?  Be happy with your airbrushed self.  The girls' pictures even come with that 'option' now.  They can give them whiter teeth and smooth out acne.  Are you serious?!  
Apparently they are.  

My eldest has been having body issues for the past year.  She is the shortest in her class but gorgeous! And she hates that she has curves.  She's not the stick straight skinny jeans type, unlike most of her friends.  There are obese kids out there, but they don't seem to congregate around my children.  So, arguments ensue about what looks best on her body in the dressing room nearly every time for a few months there.  And I remember being there!  I remember what it was like to be the non stick child. I got boobs before ANY body in my class did.  I don't want to go too far down that path, but let's just say I had breast reduction surgery 16 years ago because of the trauma that put me through.  No kidding.  


So, I get it.  I tell my daughter that every time she tries to say "You don't understand" because I DO!  The names people called me in 7th grade were horrific.  Which, in turn, gave me a very very sharp tongue.  Took me a long time to drop that one.  It still pops out every once in a while, but only when it's absolutely necessary.  Promise. Good not evil uses.  


While I was sleeping Julia crawled into bed and said "Mommy you really are beautiful. I don't know why you worry about your weight. You're not fat."  I opened my eyes and said "Back at 'cha kiddo".  She smiled and said "I'll try" and I said "I will too".  


I don't want to give my children body issues.  I've tried very hard not to even step into that realm.  But what message am I sending them when I'm not happy with my body?  What am I saying to them?  They are gorgeous! No kidding, gorgeous.  Stop in your tracks gorgeous. Both as babies and now young ladies.  
I don't want them to get hung up on boobs, butts and botox.  I don't do Botox, by the way.  Have had no plastic anything inserted, injected or slathered on me.  


I have figured out one huge reason why I am a bit more paranoid than usual.  It's my friends.  They are all very thin, beautiful women. And several are younger than I am.  Most of them don't have children and/or are divorced.  But the ones that are married with children are thin too. I mean skinny thin.  I don't think ONE of my close, close friends is larger than a size 6.  That's half the average size woman. HAH.  Kidding.  


So my intention with this is to snap out of it! Jeeezusah.  I'm tired of even thinking about it.  I had a dream that I 'found' a check for $20,000 and sat there weighing whether I should use it for plastic surgery or pay off part of the house. Didn't come to any conclusions before I woke up.  


What does that say about me?  No wait. Don't answer that.  

Every day I need to work on getting the image of a skinny, tiny, wee bity person out of my head.  And hopefully that will help my daughter as well.  


This too shall pass.  This too shall pass.  

Thought I was dipping a toe in but....

Do you remember when you were a kid and it was the first day you could actually swim?  Whether it was your first trip of the season to the lake or the first official day the pool opened, or maybe even your neighbor's pool?


I would literally pray for the first day the pool opened.  During February or early March, I would some times resort to scooting my 'tanning' chair as far in the sun on our tiny porch as humanly possible, just  to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  We lived in apartments, way up on the side of a huge hill that looked down directly at the pool.  So I would stare at it with a longing that still is a part of my soul.  


Finally!  The day arrives, it sunny, 'broiling' hot, which was probably 60 and I was dying to jump in that pool.   I would walk all the way down the million track ties to get down there, lay everything on my chair, look up at the sun, get warm enough to have just a hint of hot and walk over to the edge.  I would put my toe in and it would turn blue.  FFFFFreezing cold water.  You remember.  And as you stand there mustering up your courage to walk down the nice little concrete steps to slowly take in this suicide, someone inevitably pushes you in.  

Every cell in your body is trying to flee. Not one little part of your body is happy about this sudden ice bath.  And when you come up for air you make the sound of someone who has been under for nearly a minute.  Mouth gapping like a bass, eyes as wide as a deer in headlights.  


Secretly though,  you're happy it's over.  You're relieved that someone made the decision for you. Otherwise, it would have been an excruciating exercise in how to freeze your body up to your waist, run back out and try again for God knows how long. Are you getting the metaphor here for trying something new?  I'm a crafty one, eh?


That is how I feel at this very moment in my life.  I was sticking my toe into the pond here and have been hurled into a shockingly cold and exciting world.  Having NO idea what pushed me into and being so grateful and scared at the same time.  

The book(s), the show, the textiles, it's all coming at me with the same force.  I just hope it doesn't pull me under.... not to worry.  I am a very strong swimmer.  Ask my kids. 


This is all making my body react as well.  I'm walking (with friends, just in case I pull the face first) 5 days a week and haven't had a flippy floppy in my heart in three days! Woo Hoo!  And I'm sleeping.  Really sleeping.  I put my lovely sleepy cd on (I've gone back to the Classics. No, not REO Speedwagon, but Mozart, Chopin, Vivaldi) have lots of warm and toasty covers on and knock out.  It's marvelous.  Really, really marvelous.  


And my soul has had some uplifting news of gargantuan proportion; my friend does not have cancer!  I may have said that in the last blog. Sorry, if I did. I'm just grateful beyond expression.


The other part of my soul is a bit shy.  I'm showing my wares here. But it's ok.  It's good to be 'uncomfortable' (love that word now).  

Like Tracy Chapman sings
I want to wake up and know where I'm going/Say I'm ready/Say I'm ready/ where the rivers are overflowing and/I'll be ready.   Go listen.. I've finally figured out how to put links in ,


Tracy Chapman - I'm Ready


So the soul focus today is to organize the Valentine's Day Room In the Inn.  I've signed up for all of it except for transportation and the overnight.  Dinner, washing sheets/towels, bagged lunches and I'm going to get the kids and their classmates to make cards for these men.  And throw in some chocolate! 


For me, I love valentine's because it's GIVING.  Who doesn't need to feel loved?  But I especially like helping someone feel loved, important, cared for, noticed.  Someone who doesn't even know your name.  THAT is love.  

Like I was saying to Ruth yesterday, "giving and loving are something you innately want to do, but watching by example and practicing are what make it a reality".  Ruth is my book writer, my friend, my sparkly eye that knows better..... She is a good gal and I am thrilled to be on this journey with her.


Ok Ok Now for the food part.  I've been a slacker about that. 
We had chicken fricassee night before last with our very good friends, the Rockey's.  Tonight we will be having salmon with a ginger/orange napa cabbage and tomorrow night a bit of steak with this yummy mushroom risotto that looks incredible. Have never made it... Mwaaahhaaahaa. Now, THAT'S the Joy of Cooking! 

Monitoring

Aren't we all being monitored in some way?  Isn't this little exercise of mine 'monitoring' my progress or lack there of in 3 areas of my life?  Don't we monitor the lights being on or how much we eat or who our children are being influenced by?  Don't we all monitor, hopefully and sometimes very unsuccessfully, our brain to mouth connections?

Body - 4 hours in a Cardiologist's suit is not my idea of fun.  However, Stacy Davis comforts me in so many ways that I did it without complaint.  She reminds me of my friend Christina 'from california' in her mannerisms, her smile, her work ethic, her endearing geekiness, her laughter, and even her height.  My La Petite Napolean (that's what I called her in France because she was exceptionally talented at directing us in the right direction).   There she is in France with my God Daughter this past Summer.  Julia, my eldest spent two and a half weeks there (I got 7 glorious days/3 in Paris)
Back to Dr. Stacy.  She is one talented lady and I know A LOT of doctors, personally.  In fact, way too personally it would seem.    

She has me on a lovely heart monitor for a month. And I'm not talking about the goofy watch thing that you get at Walmart. I'm talking about the sticky things that attached by super glue that you hook things into with wires and I have what looks like a very bad pager hooked to the top of my pants.   I get to squeeze this button if I am having any wonkiness in my chest, which is what started all of this.  I understand dogs and cats don't like this sound. Now I know why. I've heard it. It would give a grown man a tic.

 I'm looking forward to setting it off when my neighbors cat tries to pee on my car again.  I shall have my camera in hand too.  HAHAHAAH.  Sorry. I hate that cat.  I hope it loses one of it's nine lives.   I also think it would come in handy at the grocery store when a child pulls one of the 'freak out, lay on the floor, scream so loud it will peel wallpaper and the parents are ignoring the entire thing.  Just push the button.  I feel an evil power coming with this.

Also found out you can't get it wet or guess what?!  It will shock you. ZZZZAP!  No, really?  I might have to wear super absorbent clothing while drinking my red wine or around my friends that drink red wine.  If you see me and I look a bit puffy up top, it's the 4 layers of shirts I have on with wicking.  I'm not getting fat.

Art - I've sketched out the newest painting and have it at the ready to paint.  Both children are at various basketball games and Jim has to work, so I am listening to gorgeous classical guitar, drinking ginger water and about to let all my emotions flow onto the canvas.  Or as Jeff says "the slaughtering of the sheep".  He still can't get over my first painting.  He really feels it looked a bit morbid.  I say "that tells me more about YOU than me."

The news about the Columbus show has inspired me so.  I can't wait.  But I want another one in the interim.  Greedy gal that I am.  It's the monitor...making me a bit.... more.....e v i l.  I threw the more in there for those of you who know me.

Getting together with my children's book author on Tuesday!  And my textiles manufacturing lady on Thursday.

And lastly about Art, it is my redhead's birthday this coming Friday.  She will be 11.  ELEVEN!  My petite enfant.  My little one. My snuggly buggly.  Look at her!  That was from Kindergarten.  It was actually the first picture I took with our new camera.  I'm going to paint some more on her walls as a gift along with the camera she so desperately wants.  Nothing fancy pants but digital.  Some would say that's a weird gift, but hey! I believe you should give what you know, not what you can necessarily purchase.

Soul - Well, it's better.  It's tired. It's sore. It's better.  Haven't told the parents yet about the heart situation.  Found out my grandmother fell and broke her arm (she is 94) and is now in rehab. Not AA rehab, but you get the picture.  And my brother in law sent my Dad an email asking for days to get together with the kids to discuss him and my step mother along with their health.  Now that Haiti has been hit so hard, I have a feeling that it will be a while.  He has worked with Haiti for YEARS with Food for the Poor. It breaks my heart for those souls there.

And not to give kuddos to the news agencies, but my father knows those people.  They truly are full of hope when all else is literally crumbling around them.  When they are putting dirt in their 'stew' for supper. They have a beautiful peace about them that my father says you can just feel.  So when I saw them singing in the rubble, while looking for the dead, the injured, the lost, I cried.

There too adds to the hope.  I will be 'monitoring' their heartache from afar, but it effects me none the less.

Equal and Opposite Reactions

It's been nearly a week since I last blogged.  I have been on an extended 'trip' where time nor a computer were my friends.

I have awakened from a 3 hour nap where I truly believe if the house were ablaze, I would not have survived.  I am literally spent.  All three of my 'subjects' (no, not people) of this blog are so intertwined and intermingled that I
think I'll just throw it all in one big heap.

You've heard or used all these expressions yourself
yin/yang
calm before the storm
the valley before the peak
opposite ends of the spectrum
this too shall pass

All of these 'expressions' have happened during the last few days.  Bi-polar type ups and downs.  What began as a quick trip to look into selling art to textiles and/or print companies ended up being a marathon on my body, mind, soul and art.

I feel like I'm watching my heart/soul split in front of me and I can't stitch it together fast enough.  One side is ecstatic, the other is hurting horribly.  And all at the same time within hours of each other.  Is this what I get for wanting to be a more practiced, contemplative person?  Hmm?

Well here goes.  Hope you don't throw up from the ride.

Did some excellent research at ADAC.  Don't ask me what the E-I-E-I-O means.  It's changed and frankly, I don't care.  But the gist is that it is a haven for 'design professionals', non-professionals are not allowed in the building.   I think they are afraid you might actually decorate or design something yourself! EEEK!

Downside:  Forgot my driver's license so had to pull strings to get in,  MAJOR problem!!! (my string is my professional  husband).  Marital perk there.

Upside:  I sat not 3 feet away from Greg Norman during a quick bowl of soup in the cafe before running into him in one of the textile places.  Sorry. No Chrissy to be seen.  But he is a handsome man.

Downside:  One of the resources I was REALLY wanting to see has since closed.

Upside:  Excellent research and a new prospective relationship with outdoor furniture textiles.

Next I went to the Gift Mart to talk to the people that buy your art work to sell to people like Pottery Barn and Target.

Upside:  Not sure there was one.  I haven't been aware of so much tacky crap that people obviously not only produce but buy since I was a buyer for my gift store 13 years ago.  FUGLY stuff.  I mean, you wouldn't re-gift this to Goodwill, kind of stuff.  And people were standing there with their pens out ordering it.....I nearly ran but thought better of it. I would forget where I parked my car.

Downside:  The 'people' left a day earlier. Either they were so impressed they left  early or they were so DEpressed they left early.  All I could do was laugh.

Upside:  I have a contact in my backyard who went there to buy artwork. I'm going directly to him this time.

After this extraordinarily frustrating day, I came home to find a HUGE UPSIDE!!!!  It appears my art will be the featured art a Symphony fundraiser in Columbus, GA this May.  I asked Kate, who lives in Columbus and is heading this event, if they would think we were gay if I kissed her and her reply was "Of course. We're in Columbus"  HA!  Very very very big high.

But of course I had to go to bed that night realizing that the next day not only was one of my oldest friends having her surgery that could possibly tell her she has cancer (she is my age) but my best friend was having to go to court regarding her divorce.  Both things were awful.  Standing there waiting for the train to hit both of my friends with not a thing in the world I could/can do for either.  Helplessness is not one of my favorite feelings.  I abhor it.

I didn't get one minute's sleep.  Tossed and turned, flipped and flopped, much like my emotions.  We awoke before the sun came up, which I usually say is "before God is awake".  Can you tell I am NOT a morning person?

Side note.  I love Thai food. I used to cook it so much that my husband begged me to finally stop.  Sort of like the Bob Marley CD I played when we first dated.  Anyway, so to spoil myself,  I had Thai food two nights in a row.  Heavenly Thai food.  And yes this is on the eve of court.   And no, of course I did not even take into consideration what my body would do with all that spice with stress thrown in there.  Now I know why the Thai people are so skinny.  The food doesn't have a CHANCE to be absorbed into  your body!  I realized this on the WAY to court.  Nothing like a little more stress.

So I spend the day on a hard bench, surrounding by people with hard hearts making hard decisions.  My friend being one of them.  Beautiful, funny, brilliant and reduced to bickering for 3 solid hours over $500 a month.  Her soon to be ex's attorney, let's call him Napolean, puffing around and making odd faces but I don't think I heard a coherent sentence out of his mouth in 8 hours.  I have never contemplating wearing orange more.  (Orange is the color of jumpsuit Tennessee has for it's inmates, just in case you didn't get that. I didn't mean I wanted to be a UT fan).

All the while I can't get to a phone to find out about my other friend's surgery and I get a text that my red head is sick.  Are  you with me now on these pendulum swings?

After  many tears, much anger and then getting the joy of listening to one of the most pathetic excuses of a human being address the court about why he didn't need a restraining order (even though we heard lovely tapes of him threatening to kill his wife and he is a retired police officer), we got to do our diddy and leave.  Shew. I needed a fire hose to clean off all the bad feelings that were sticking to me.  That and the three parking tickets I had waving to me on my marshmallow.  Just waving.  "Hi, Stacey". "Nope. You're not finished yet".  That's when I decided we should go to the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead and drink a glass of champagne.  BRILLIANT idea, if I do say so myself.

That's just what we did.  I love the Ritz Carlton.  I've stayed there twice in my life.  One of the best times ever in my life was with my Mother. That's another story.  A hilarious one.  But this was just a tiny layover in the cushy sofa's with the soft light, beautiful chandeliers and perfectly chilled champagne and kind people to smile and serve us.  We had missed high tea, so it was perfect for the 5 o'clock cocktail hour.

It really changed our moods.  That and two glasses of champagne with only rice for lunch.  But who cares! We were able to step away from all that ugliness into a world of beauty.  We were able to laugh too.  And then the funniest, kindest two older Irishmen sat down and we had a delightful conversation.  They were so happy!  Their day had started at 6 am too, but in a jet flying to Chicago and back.  It was one of the gentlemen's birthday's.  THEY were having a ball that day.   And they were as good of friends to each other as we were.

We talked about travel, what in the world they were doing in Atlanta, how long they had been friends, their race cars (yes, they race cars), anything to keep the happy bubble from bursting.  It surrounded us with warmth and happiness and we went home with smiles on our faces.  I slept like a rock then awoke again before God and drove home.  I took a picture of the sunrise (blood orange red), listened to David Gray  (Shine) , Ben Harper (With My Own Two Hands), and any one else I could get my hands on that was uplifting.  Thank God for people who sing their souls out.  What a powerful gift. I am grateful.

When I parked my car in the driveway my redhead came outside (freezing arse cold) to get some loving. Doesn't get much better than that.  But it did!  My husband had cleaned the entire house down to the last load of laundry.

Maybe that's why a heart beat looks the way it does; spikes of up and down.  It just can't hold it all in at the same time.

Enjoy the lyrics to Ben's song.

I can change the world 
With my own two hands 
Make a better place 
With my own two hands 
Make a kinder place 
With my own two hands 
With my own 
With my own two hands 
I can make peace on earth 
With my own two hands 
I can clean up the earth 
With my own two hands 
I can reach out to you 
With my own two hands 
With my own 
With my own two hands 
I'm gonna make it a brighter place 
I'm gonna make it a safer place 
I'm gonna help the human race 
With my own 
With my own two hands 
I can hold you 
With my own two hands 
I can comfort you 
With my own two hands 
But you got to use 
Use your own two hands 
Use your own 
Use your own two hands 
With our own 
With our own two hands 
With my own 
With my own two hand

Tides, Easels, and GOOP

ART:  Did you hear it yesterday afternoon?   Around 4? The giddy jumping up and down and "WOOO HOOO" reaching to all corners of the Earth?  The National Football Championship game wasn't on yet.  It was ME!
I set my easel up!!!! With instructions in Italian even and I didn't have any left over pieces. HA!  It felt like Christmas when the girls were tiny, except they could watch and I actually did it correctly without having to hand it off to Jim.   I am so PROUD of myself.  It is set up in my office with a brand spankin' new canvas and all this gorgeous natural light.  Once I get off of here, I am sketching the background.

A mere 3 hours from now I also have my textiles meeting.  She seems charming and my brilliant friend will be with us, so let's see what path this opens up. Shall we?

BODY:  I know I mentioned earlier that I am drinking more water.  I am truly surprised that I could even  go to the bathroom because I was so PARCHED.  I'm loving mixing up the cucumber, clementines, lemons, whatever.  And I'm drinking much more and       have lost some weight because of it.

I also have noticed that I'm just not as hungry right now. I'm eating 2 meals a day on average. Good ones. And my proportions are smaller.  I'm also drinking more tea.   Green tea,  cranberry zinger, ginger tea, peppermint, you name it.  It's very yummy for the body and soul.  And no, I am not spiking it.     Yet....

Both daughters love tea, but Julia gets the expert label. She loves it probably more than I do.

All of this is grand but I got a great email from Ashley (think Gone with the wind and say it like a Suthernor  "Ashluh" except, she's a woman) about GOOP.  Looks like snot and comes in several different colors.  The blog is about 'cleansing' but shows you how to make the famous GOOP.  I know 'cleansing' has been done for centuries and goes in and out of fashion with the health people, but I'm sincerely considering doing it for 4-5 days.  Not necessarily all of the GOOP, but some version of it.  Throw some thoughts my way.  And castor oil will NOT be considered.  

I like the idea of cleansing.  We have cleansing breaths when we do yoga, cleansing breaths when we pray, we have spring cleaning, we have the phrase 'cleaning house' which could mean a plethora of things.  So, I like the idea of cleansing. Maybe that's what all this is (blog). Cleansing my little brain of it's random thoughts, throwing them out there and kapoof! It's all clean again.  I'm sorry. What did you say?  Who are you?

SOUL-
This section is rather the train driver, I've decided.  Found out some news yesterday that one of my oldest friends (who's known me since something like 6th grade) might have esophageal cancer.  She has a teenage boy, I bow down to her, and she is a single mother.  She is one of the hardest 'working' people I've ever known.  She works on relationships, works on herself, works on her house, works her fingers to the bone at her jobs.  She has always been like this.  Puts us all to shame, really.  She even ran track!

So now, she needs her friends and family to WORK for HER.  She is not in the same city I live in and I haven't seen her hysterical self in a little over a year (it was about 10 before that) but every time we pick up the phone, not a day has gone by.  I can say that about a handful of great friends that I've had a very long time and all of them live in different states from me.  I am truly blessed with them in my life.  She is one of them.  If I had a problem and asked her to come, she would be here.  Just like that.  Which makes my heart break that this 'thing' is even a blip on her screen.  By that I mean, going to the hospital, having surgery and taking care of her house , son and dog, shouldn't be a concern.  All of her friends right there in her home town should be stepping up.  I think part of the issue is asking for help.

She doesn't ask for help often, if ever.  What I said to her yesterday is something my Dad told me a LOOOOONG time ago.  When you ask for help, you are giving someone the opportunity to give something to you.  It's a gift for them as much as it is for you.  Amen.  That was a tough one for me to learn as well, but it finally sank in.  I am trying to help coordinate things from here to help her and may end up taking a quick 3 hour road trip for a few days if things aren't as smooth as they should be.

The point of this long drawn out blather is the gift of giving and receiving.  Not of 'stuff' but time, compassion, food, sleep, a stocked grocery when you're too sick to go, a walk of the dog.  It's all a gift.

FOOD:  Made another batch of the POO2U2 cookies, this time paying attention.  They turned out rather well.  Still  ugly, but yummy.  And then I made my OWN recipe of oats, honey, ginger and cranberry cookies and they rock!  And they don't even look like poop. Now, that's a success.

On a final note, Roll Tide!  National Football Champions of the World!!!!  hahah Great game last night.  I was connected to in the following ways; grew up in Birmingham, so I can't count how many of my high school friends went to University of Alabama, two of my dearest friends did their undergrad at UofA but SHE grew up in Texas and finally, my "Christina from California" lives in South Pasadena.  It's the ONLY time in my life, after Bear Bryant died, that I cheered for Alabama.  Same goes for my husband.  Who fell asleep during the last 10 minutes (the most exciting part of the game).

Snow dances and horse blinders

Let's start with the SOUL.  I don't know where you live, but here in Nashville, TN we have what's called the "Mad Dash for Milk/Bread".  This phenomenon happens when the weather people even hint that snow MIGHT be somewhere within a 50 miles radius.  Normal human beings literally get up from their couches, work chairs or coffee shops and make a mad dash to ANY store for all the milk and bread they can possibly haul in their vehicles and wait.  For "the big one".  By that, I mean the big ONE INCH of snow that will accumulate on the wayward side of your house.

Every child learns the spoon under your pillow, ice cubes down the toilet and wear your pajamas backwards to bed.  I'm not sure if there are any snow bunny sacrifices, but I am sure it's next.  My children actually came up with a 'snow dance' last night.  It was quite lovely, the creativity of it. They even got white scarves and hurled them around while dancing like they do at the pow wow's.  Very Cherokee of them.  Don't knock it. I found out I'm 1/16.

I really believe that the grocery stores are the puppeteers behind this.  I think they already prep the milk farmers and then 'leak' it to someone in the news that the snow is thinking about coming.  Now, I have been in Nashville for 18 years and I can personally tell you that God himself, with a mouth full of snow could be sitting literally on top of Nashville and he would blow it north, south, east or west,  just not here.  We've had plenty of ICE, a few good snows, but NOT "a BIG ONE".

Rather than being dismayed by this, however, I have discovered the hope in all of this.  I know the definition of insanity is "continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome".  So Nashville must be the wacko capital of the universe and I proudly call it home.  But, the HOPE we have.  We can nearly feel it, see it, smell it, BEG for it again and again.  We stock up, for God's sake.  Half of Nashville is probably lactose intolerant but by golly we have MILK!  We could survive a storm of epic proportions.  I guess with bread pudding?  But here we are, so hopeful. So elated when anything white comes out of the sky.  ANYTHING.

I had a grand idea of buying all the flour at the grocery store, throwing it all over our yard, putting horse blinders on my kids and taking them outside.  I'm thinking this might be the answer in the end.

It has given me a soft spot for insane people now.  So think of something you really have wanted to do, to see, travel to, read about, seen pictures of and never really gotten to it.  It's the wonderfulness of the hope, to me, that allows us to get up again and again and still continue to love whatever that 'it' is.

As Gabe Dixon appropriately sings "All Will Be Well".
One of the lines from his lyrics goes like this

All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how, but only time will tell.


Brilliant

Give him a try.  He sounds like a very young Billy Joel.  Even plays a mean piano and of course writes his own songs.  Yes, he's here from Nashville and he might even have a mantel set up with snow items, but what he really has is one helluva talent and hope.

The reason hope is so important to me right now is because I have so many people around me suffering and all in different ways; emotionally, spiritually, physically, occupationally, marriage wise.  So when the snow didn't come, it made me look out my frosty window a little bit differently.  I want to give them hope. I want to show them the hope all around them.  I want to inject it into them with a syringe.  But the non-snow did it for me.  And please don't think I am this freakily smiling person with doe eyes who talks like a tri-delt and named her tea cup poodle Polly.   I am far from it.

ART- I still haven't gotten my easel set up.  And it's pissing me off.   It's even speaking to me in my dreams.  Last night I had a dream that I was putting the easel up and it fell over, a broken leg.  So after this, I am setting that sucker  up.  I think I shall name it.  I name my cars (The Blue Crayon, The Episcobus, and now The Marshmallow) too.  I haven't gone off the deep end. I don't name my silverware.

I have sketched out the paintings in my sketch book. Looky there. They named it a sketch book! HA
Anyway, I don't care if the big one comes, I'm sketching today on those canvases.

Also, as I said before, HUGE day tomorrow.  Hope does spring eternal.

Body - I have a sneaky suspicion that I will be sledding with my children  one way or another. I'm even thinking of putting olive oil on the bottom of their sleds and going down the big STREET.  Now that's not insanity, it's called persistence!  And walking the dogs whilst trying not to kill myself is definitely exercise.

Food - Last night's white turkey chili was excellent! I've made this for about 10 years now, usually right after thanksgiving.  It's even better the next day.  I EVEN made a small pot of vegetarian for my Julia.  When she is in therapy in her twenties, please remind her of what a kind and GIVING mother I was.

Haven't tried to re-do the poop cookies.  Sarah graciously informed me that she has newly named them POOKIES.  HAH! She is masterful, that one.  So I guess mine will be called POO2U2.

And tonight, it's left over Chili or Thai shrimp/coconut soup with jasmine rice.  I'll let them decide since we will all be in different parts of Nashvegas Friday evening.

Into The Wild

I sat down last night and watched a movie that I have been DYING to see for years now, Into The Wild.  It's directed by Sean Penn and the music is by Eddie Vedder.  I have to confess that I used to think Eddie Vedder was possessed by Satin himself because of the way he looked when he sang, but in the past few years have converted to a fan.  Mainly because of the soundtrack to this film.  Pathetic, but true.

I must say I think we've all had the notion that this young man had.  Let me back up.  The quickie of this movie is a young man who graduates from Emory (purely to satisfy his parents' desires) and seeks out the great adventures of life throughout the U.S.  He gives away the remainder of his college fund ($25000) to a  non-profit and makes his way from Virginia to Mexico to Alaska finally.  Alaska being his real destination.  He feels that society has seduced us all into 'occupations' and that money makes you needier. and thus rejects society as a whole and treks off into the wild.  Alone.  He meets many fascinating people and characters along the way.  He loves life in the wild, lives on a 'magic bus' and then does something I would do; ate the wrong berry and died.  I didn't ruin it for you.  His writing throughout this is poetic and beautiful.  All of this is a true story.  Which both inspires you and saddens you.  Some of the scenes though would put Bear Grills to shame and I've watched Bear Grills drink his own urine, so be prepared.   Which brings me back to the notion.

We all have had that moment in time, as a child, when we realized that money was required.  I think we all had that thought "why don't we just all trade (didn't know the word barter then). Why do we have to have money?"  We realized for the first time that life isn't equal.  And the things we took for granted every single day like food, water, heat, air, gas, a car, school, our barbies, came at a 'cost'.  That money drove the train.  It was very disheartening for me.  It was against everything everyone one was teaching me both at school and on the billboards.  Love is all you need.  Do unto others. It broke my heart as I'm sure it broke many a heart.

So what does this have to do with Body, Art and Soul?  Well, It delves into the soul area as well as the Art.  First of all the cinematography in this film was breathtaking, as you can imagine.  The music is haunting and this young man's poetic prose has stuck in my insides.  At first I thought "I can completely remember wanting to do that at his age.  Maybe not to Alaska, but travel the world with just a backpack."  Ok and lipstick.   But my POINT is, THIS is my into the wild. This journey I have been on throughout my life is my 'wild'.  No comments on that one, please.

Most especially though right now.  My wild is a deeply personal journey with many people/charactors along the way.  Yes, I need money to purchase my canvases and my beautiful new easel. Yes I need money to purchase food and have electricity and heat and air.  But we don't "need" so many things.  I didn't want anything for Christmas this year except spending money for travel this Summer.  Not a lot of takers on this.  Which I find incredulous and odd at the same time.

I think experiences are much more meaningful than ipods or iphones.  Although I covet my friend's iphone.  There. I am human.  Back on track here.  When you drop dead, God does NOT ask for a credit check.  And when you close your eyes you should remember beautiful beaches, mountains, a small flower, your children's laughter, the touch of someone's hand, your grandmother's scent.

That fits into the Art part today.  I have a lot going on art wise, but my painting background for the next two paintings will be a. France (from this Summer) and b. Kieve (from my husband's trip this Fall).  They make my paintings so much more meaningful.

So onto the good news for Art.  It appears this Friday will be a big fork in the road for me.  I not only will be meeting with my dear friend about her books, but I will also be meeting with a mutual contact about the textiles.  Big path changing.  I wonder if it's a full moon?  :)

So the body thing.  Today is going to be a 'girl' day.  I look like a feral child because I've been tending this fire so much (ashes ashes we all fall down).  So it's a hair conditioning, face mask, yummy smelling lotion, cucumber water sort of day.

I did manage to work out getting enough samples to get me through 3 weeks of my meds.  Woo Hoo! Which should make us all happier people on the planet.

Now for the food.  I have a terrific friend who bakes the most disgusting looking cookies on the planet (I refer to them as the POO cookies) but taste divine.  I myself, don't usually mix lavender, ginger, and eye of newt into my baking, but she has won me over.  So I got a bit cocky and rushed through the recipe or rolled oats, dark chocolate and dried cherries cookie recipe and um, well, now I think I have a rival POO cookie.  It's maybe the POO to YOU TOO cookie.  It actually tastes incredible, but I would run if I saw it passed to me on a plate.  So Cheerio to you Sarah!  I bow down to the Master.  I think I'll move on to a bread or cake sort of thing.

For tonight I am cooking a turkey chili recipe that would warm up a polar bear.  And since it's supposed to snow, I think it only appropriate.   Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Those who say do not know, Those who know do not say

This is going to be an odd post. I'll warn you.  Some left over's from yesterday and today is not unfolding quite as I had hoped, planned or expected.

Body - Well, I almost had a damn heart attack at Wallgreen's yesterday.  This is not so good for the body, as you can imagine.  I posted this on my Facebook "If the drugs you are prescribed by  your doctor cause you to have a heart attack, can you sue them?  Or should they just install fainting couches in all pharmacies? "  Mixed response so far.  But the lovely aspect of that moment at Walgreen's was that I found out one of the drugs I take daily is now $450.00 because we switched to a health savings plan.  I didn't quite 'get' what that meant. This, I can tell you, is not good for your body, art or soul.

 I'm beginning to believe it's a 'savings plan' because you are too scared to find out what the costs are before you hit your deductible.  In the long run it will be good, given the amount of visits and prescriptions I require each year but in the short run, I might need oxygen. I even unloaded the groceries and said to the refrigerator "Enjoy them.  It might be a while before they're back".  Yes, I said I talked TO the refrigerator.

I did make my appointments with my doctors though and I actually got a full night's rest.  BIG!!  I am also doing this goofy 5 things of 25 3 times today.  You do 5 things for 25 reps 3 times during one day.  Sit-ups, lunges, curls, you get the pictures.  Is practicing not fainting one them? :)

Art - I'm leaving after posting this to pick up my brand spankin' new easel.  Found one for 55% off at Plaza (again, I love them) and I'm going to cram it in the back of my marshmallow (my white Hyundai Santa Fe) then pick up a friend so that she doesn't have to drive a baby blue Ford something and pick her child up from school (that's part of the soul thing; helping others).

But the HUGE thing that happened was last night at dinner with the four J's  (Jim, Jeff, Justin, Julia) , me and Emma.  It seems that one of the J's knows someone who is trying to break into the textile market here in the States and needs help with access, marketing and possibly textile design!!!!  I just checked my email and received their numbers (digits as the under 30 say) and I shall be setting that up tomorrow.

The last thing I did was to contact my friend who has written the children's books to set up a time for her to come look at my paintings, graphic design and see if this could gel out for both of  us.

All in all. Very good Art day, which helps my soul, which then relaxes my body.  Are you getting this yet?

OK, so the soul part.  My soul was a bit achy this a.m. as I wasn't quite as forthcoming with my heart issues and ended up hurting someone.  It was not intentional.  I just didn't think that having an arhythmea    5 times in a row was that big of a deal, until my best friend said "Um, you need to go to your doctor.  You haven't had those since before your surgery".  She is married to a heart surgeon.  OK OK

You have to understand that I really don't think dying is that big of a deal.  Don't get me wrong. I would miss ANY ONE of my friends and family.  I would mourn horribly for some of them, but death is a part of life.  And on the other hand, if I died, well, so be it.  I don't fear it. I didn't fear it when I was given the big death sentence.  Plus, I think I'd be a great ghost. I've already told my kids that I would haunt them in a happy way (smiley faces in the mirrors with steam, open my favorite books  like the Poison Wood Bible, rearrange their underwear drawers).  And yes, they think that's creepy.

But I don't think any of us really 'leave' anything. We are all so connected, ALL of us.  And then there is the thought that I would come back as something.  I would probably be a hairless dog.  Ugly, freezing, and allergic to myself.  So you see, I don't take any of this seriously.  When it's your time; it's YOUR time.  End of story.

So what am I going to do today to help others and my soul?  Already mentioned the assistance with the car thing.  I am going to talk to my step sister here in a second to confirm a Louisville trip this Saturday to talk about the well being of my father and step mother.  It is weighing on my soul very heavily.  It will lighten my soul immensely to know we have a plan in place that will help the two of them.

My step mother has been an absolute rock in my life.  I call her a walking little Jesus Christ.  She's only 5'1 but spiritually is larger than whomever the world's tallest person is.  She has nudged me back on my path throughout my life and helped me through one of the most difficult things in my life (and it wasn't my illness).  Now she has alzheimer's.  It's not to the point of a 'home' yet but it's to the point where we need to make sure she's ok and not by herself while Dad is flying around for Food For The Poor.

HE, on the other hand has a degenerative lung disease that is slowly killing him.  Which of course, is killing part of my soul.  One of the most appropriate and funniest things my Dad ever said to me was when I was a Freshman in college at UK.  It was really the first time since I was a young child that we had spent so much time together.  He looked at me and said "I am sorry.  Damn. It's hard enough being me and being a man, I can't imagine what it's like being me and being a woman. "  HA!  So the trip to Louisville is key to the soul.

But one of the things I'm doing today encompasses it all; body, art and soul.  I am baking two batches of cookies; rolled oats with cherries and chocolate and rolled oats with ginger.  YUM!

Love that picture of my Dad because not only does he not LOOK like a priest but his horse apparently doesn't think much of the conversation at hand.

Oops! Forgot.  Dinner last night was pan seared snapper with a mediterranean ragout (basically thinly sliced red potatoes, olives, artichoke hearts, tomatoes, garlic and lemon) and spinach salad with apples and goat cheese with a pomegranate vinegarette.  Did I spell that correctly?

Today is Monday, Today is Monday... Anybody remember that Kindergarten song?

That song is forever stuck in my head.  Thank you Nancy from St. Bernard.

I've decided to post what we've eaten each day, as a family, to appease Julia and to really get a close look at what we are eating.   It'll be at the end, so don't fret.  I won't make you hungry :)

Body - I shall backtrack about yesterday.  I called the YMCA, printed out the schedules of the things I like and called a friend about which one's are 'the best'.  So, I followed through.  However, I found out what the joining fees are along with the monthly fees and just about had another stroke.  Hmmm, what can I sell for that joining fee?  I'll work on that one.  Looks like home work outs until next month.

Today I called both my cardiologist as well as my internist.  It's been a bit since I've seen them and I've begun to have a few 'issues'.  In addition to that I've been drinking boat loads of water. I seem to have been parched and not known it.  I came home from the spa where I had a massage (first one in a year) and they had that lovely water with sliced cucumbers in it or oranges or lemon. It's just a tiny touch but it tastes so, so smooth.  I promptly copied the idea and put slices of clementines in a pitcher of water and so far every one else in the family detests it, so it's MINE. What is wrong with these people?!  Anyway,  I'm picking up cucumbers today at the grocery.

Art - Several things today.  I am currently seeking a large easel.  The one I have is a table easel and it's worked beautifully up until now.  I had either painted smaller paintings (not tiny just not huge) or I had either taped the unbraced canvas on the wall.  I have since decided that unless I am doing a canvas the size of my wall, the braced ones are economically better. Especially with Plaza Art. They are incredible.   I did look there for an easel, but they are in the hundreds.  I'm going to Craig's List today, posting it on Facebook and also looking at Ebay.  I would bet you probably couldn't count on both hands and feet how many people 'started' painting and ended up putting their easel in the basement.  If any of you have an extra, let me know!

I had bought 3 canvases over the holidays and am ready to get started with the sketching some time today of one of them.  You know, most people find it daunting to look at a blank canvas or even wall for that matter.  That's not been one of my problems in life.  I love a blank canvas or wall.  The endless possibilities!!! Plus, if it is horrid, you paint OVER it.

When I have been doing interior design in the past, I would find clients flipping out over the first stroke of paint.  So, I would buy five tiny cans and paint sections while they were not there.  Seems to help.  Most don't know what we want, we only know what we DON'T want.  I am not one of those people.

In addition, I am confirming the wholesale show in Atlanta that deals with textiles and selling your designs.

All in all, a BIG day for art.

So, for the soul.  It may sound odd and even funny, but I'm taking down my Christmas things.  I love Christmas. I love decorating. I love looking at each ornament, knowing who they came from (grandmother, mother, friends) or who's they are.  My mother started a tradition when we were small. Quite brilliant, actually.  We would buy 3 ornaments a year; 1 for her, 1 for me and 1 for my sister.  That way, when we moved off or got married, we wouldn't have a bare tree and we could look back and know when we got them.  So, I get to see those as well.  I've even continued that with my two daughters; 3 a year.  It's fascinating to see where they come from.  From the Nutcracker, from Helios (gorgeous little shop around the corner) from the tree farm where cut our trees down.  Always surprises me when and what they pick out.

I also love cooking. I love singing. I love giving. I love entertaining. I love picking out the recipes for dinners.  I love to see people's expressions when you've gotten them a tiny something that makes them laugh or smile.  Love it all.  So, taking the tree down is a bit of a bummer for me.  Let's all bow our heads for a moment of silence.

In addition to that, I will be meditating.  Have plenty of great meditating music and Jim bought me a little CD player to put in the bedroom.  My intention of meditation today is completion and organization.

Yesterday I ended up doing something for my soul that came as a complete surprise.  An old friend's son came by on a whim and we were able to catch up.  He is 21, had some pretty trying things to deal with in his very young life and I seem to be the only person he can open up to about it.  We talked for a good hour.  Then the girls and Jim got back and we all spent some time together.  The girls have known him all their lives.  I've known him since he was 5 or 6!  EEK! Good GOD that makes me feel old sometimes.. Until I talk to him.  There seems to be no age difference.  What does that say about me, exactly?

He calls me  his second Mom (although most Moms don't play pool together with their sons) and the girls his nieces.  Love that.  Doesn't mean I haven't gotten pissed at him and it doesn't mean I don't want to throttle him some times, but he really is a good man at heart.  He just struggles with things most  of us have never dealt with.

He and one of our dearest friends are coming over for dinner tonight.  What am I cooking, you ask?
Pan Seared Snapper with olives, artichokes and something else I can't remember. HA!

Ate last night:  Baked potatoes with l.f. sour cream, sauteed mushrooms
This a.m. for breakfast:  High fiber freaky cereal with flax seed in it, 1/2 cup of ff yogurt and blueberries on top.

Question for the day:  Do you have a land line phone as well as your cell phone?

So what it's not January 1st.. It's the first day of my beginning

Today is Sunday, January 3rd.  While I might be conventional about some things, most things I am more 'open' to.  New Years' resolutions usually begin on the 1st.  Well, my New Year started out with a big of whimper instead of a bang, so I only decided to do this after reliving my daughter saying "Mommy, YOU, should start a blog."  She got this grand idea after seeing Julie and Julia (her name is Julia and I cook a LOT).  I think she thought that it should be about cooking, which I am sure will be incorporated into this entire experiment, but not the focus.

So, what is this Body, Art and Soul?

I have lived my life surrounded by both extraordinarily giving human beings (not only of money, but of time, skills, wisdom and merely their presence) and of non giving human beings.  It is in my DNA to be compassionate.  I honestly can't help it.  Much like my father, I sound like a grumpy bear, but I really am quite concerned with the world around me; both immediately and not so immediately.  This is the Soul part.  I am consistent about helping friends, feeding the poor, assisting with menial tasks for the homeless, seek out ways to help others help themselves with gifts (my two favorite are Food for the Poor and Heiffer).  As Anthony DeMello said, "Once you're awake, you're awake!  You cannot go back to sleep."  Wise man. I've read the majority of his books.  One aptly entitled Awakenings is one of my all time favorites.  As you can see, I'm getting off track here.  The 'soul' part is being conscious every single day of doing something for my soul.  Frankly, I'm not sure what all that will mean.  Going to church more regularly (I am an episco-buddhist), mediating, giving of myself to others, reading spirituality books, I'm not sure. It'll out though, it'll out.

As for the "Body".  That could mean many things as well. I have enjoyed a roller coaster for both my body and health.  Very active as a youngster and young woman, had beautiful children without a hitch and then became very very ill with cardiomyopathy (you can look it up), threw a lovely clot and had a stroke.  Should have died.  But, I'm here.  You couldn't tell to look at me.  But I was on lovely blood thinning drugs for 5 years, had to have a nanny because I couldn't lift anything over 40 lbs (my children were 2 & 4 at the time) and basically was given the death sentence from the Heart Failure Clinic at Vanderbilt.  Lovely!  But, I ended up having surgery to patch my lovely hole, which in turn helped the myopathy and was actually able to complete a 1/2 marathon 5 weeks later in Hawaii.  I completed another one two years later and shaved an hour off my time.  So, hey!  Note to self. When it's your time, it's your time.

So back to the what will I do for the 'body'.  I have grand aspirations of exercising every single day but I am not smoking pot at the moment and realize this is setting myself up for a failure of massive proportions. SO, the body.  It could mean exercise, yoga, getting enough rest, cutting meat out for weeks at a time, maybe not drinking wine for several months.  Walking the dogs more often, going to acupuncture (never been, just throwing that out there) or getting a massage (this one can count for the soul as well, I think).  I already eat organic foods (no, I don't have dreadlocks and wear tiva's nor do I grow my own clothes out back and I did not vote for Obama)  and cook for my family low fat, chock full of vegetables meals.  We are even a member of a CSA for vegetables in the summer months, so I'm not sure how much more I can improve on that.  Except drink more water!  There. See. I figured out a new one.

As for my 'Art'.  Well, that's a varied and long story but basically, as an artist, I get wonkied in 10 different directions about what I want to do.  I paint, I am a graphic designer, I want to get into textiles, I have written a children's book and really want to do the illustrations and get it published.  I love to write and have another book that has been manifesting in my little brain for nearly 15 years now.  I love photography and really want a new camera, but it's wayyyy to expensive.... So, art is subjective.  However, I want to do SOMETHING about it every day.  I want to pursue illustrating my friends' book that she has written. Go see a great band or even a not so great band (Nashville is chock full of great bands)  I want to pursue finishing more paintings for an exhibit that an art gallery would like to have for me. I want to pursue painting more with my children.  They are VERY talented.

So basically it's painting, pursuing painting or my textiles, or exhibiting at a show or  writing or something. Just something every day.  This also crosses into the soul thing.  I need to pursue art for my soul.  It has just come to that.

All of this sounds so selfish.  Yikes. Ugly one that.  But it really isn't.  When your heart, mind, soul and body are on the right path, everyone benefits.  People you will never meet nor know their names will benefit.

So today, the first day, I have begun the blog!  HUGE!!! That is for the 'soul' and 'art' today.   I shall also write in my diary in a moment in front of my lovely skitzo fireplace.  It seems I must tend to every fire as if a small child's life depended upon it.  Blazing one minute, nearly out the next.... skitzo.

As for my body. I am joining the YMCA so that I can pursue kick boxing again. It's been several years since I've been able to do it.  Knocked my shoulder out of socket and took a year to heal.  No. I do not have anger management issues.  I just  Love that sport.  You literally get to knock the shit out of something with a smile on your face and not get into trouble.  AND you sweet and you clear your mind.  Beautiful.

And so shall end my first post.  Let the games begin.