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Have you ever noticed when you look at a group of trees, whether leafless or not, their branches look so beautifully intertwined? Like long conversations between them all. You really can't see where one begins and one ends. And when they are full of leaves, their secrets are tucked into them. You can't see the birds, the nests, both abandoned and newly created. Nor can you see the thousands of bugs, caterpillars, and the occasional shoe.
My life is like that right now. Each project I have, most especially the art, is a leafless tree of sorts and it's intertwined with the others. How can they not be? But to look at it from a distance they look like one room filled with canvases; none of them distinct. And I'm having to dart from one to the next like those squirrels in the snow this weekend. They skitter. I can't think of a better word for it. That's how I'm feeling right now. Skittered. Textiles, now book, now art show, now editing, now hurting friends, now doctors appointments, now relationships, now children with hot fires, red cheeks and fast sleds. But I do have a smile on my face. Is that what separates us from the squirrels? Smiles and hopefully brain size?
Body
So excellent news this week. My heart, my cholesterol (both good and bad), my lipids, my whatever are all in excellent shape! All blood work came back outstanding. The nurse on the phone was astounded that I wasn't on any medication... I smiled a wry smile and said "Well, none for that".
GO me! All that good food, fresh ingredients, non-processed crap and I must bow down to the cucumber water have paid off.
There is only one number that is considered normal but low and it has something to do with exercising. On the old exercise note. I tried to 'ski' down my back porch this morning while taking the dogs out in my robe and slippers. I think I know why they are called SLIPPERS now! Because every single muscle in my body was tense does that count as exercise? AND I held on to the dogs, who were eager to bolt as if in the Iditarod. After that beautiful moment of humility, I swept the back porch of all snow and ice. You know, so my CHILDREN don't fall down. Wink Wink. I think I get extra points for that one.
Art
Skittered but productive. I keep dreaming of the textile designs. The big meeting is a week from tomorrow. Lots to work on but I am crossing fingers, toes, and whatever else I can get my hands on. Working on color combinations. This could be endless.
I finished the background of another painting last night right at midnight. And I didn't even turn into a pumpkin. It's Kiev. I chose it because my husband and one of our best friends went last September.
All of my paintings are over-layed with nature; flowers, branches, leaves and I'm just now figuring this out. I have a HUGE squirrel brain.
The next one of Kiev I won't paint over. I think I will give it as a gift to our friend. I know he's seen Kiev 9 million times, but sometimes a fresh perspective gives you a new insight on all things. He is a brilliant, kind, funny, deeply caring person who needs to be given something back other than my fabulous gourmet meals.
See... branches.
And the books. Well, I've researched my bunnies and poppies but I've also thought about including one of my favorite artists/people I know to work with me. She does multi-media. Gorgeous pieces that are woven through with such intimacy and insight. I don't know how or if this will work but the worst thing that could happen is we both get inspired to do other things. Branches...
Ruth's books are sitting there quietly talking to me. I can't quite decide on my background for one of them. I think a library trip is in order.
Soul
This should say music. I painted for hours last night and of course am listening to it right now. I had a friend who said something along the lines of "I think I could define where I was in each part of my life by listening to music". Brilliant. I completely agreed. Music is such an integral part of my life. I have different types for different moods or intentions. If I want to be paint, inspired, put to sleep, feel completely at ease, sing as loud as my lungs will allow, laugh, smile, reflect, cry, I will put my music on. And I love Pandora. It is fantastic! It has introduced me to musicians that I probably never would have been exposed to.
That's where the soul seeps into the conversation. It is in each stroke of the brush, each part of the conversation, each daily action. It is in the cereal you eat, the wine you drink, the smile you give the grocery check out gal.
We are one big forest of trees; intertwined branches and long conversations.
If you listen to David Gray, Ray Lamontagne, Amos Lee, Bob Marley, Damien Rice, Emmy Lou Harris, Frank Sinatra, Donavon Frankenreiter, Michael Franti, Tracy Chapman, Patty Griffin, Ryan Adams and Ladysmith Black Mombazo all in one night, like I did, you can't help but feel connected in on long conversation.
And finally, something I came up with as we awoke to 4" of snow that quickly turned in to 6".
Peaceful white snow continues to fall as if all those snowflakes are the wishes we've been making.....
I remember when Julia was in Montessori pre-K and on their birthday's the parents would come to class, all the kids in their 'room' would sit in a circle and they would place this globe in the center. Then the birthday person would walk around it as they sang "The Earth goes round the sun, the earth goes round the sun, high ho dedario, and then Julia was ONE". They would continue this until they got to the actual age of the person walking in the circle. I loved that! Then it dawned on me how many circles it would take me and I would either throw up or dizzy myself right into the globe. "And then Mommy was gone"... Makes me laugh just imagining that.
Birthday's have always been a big deal in my house. I LOVE birthdays! The cake with fresh flowers (yes, the girls actually asked me if they were real roses and gerbera daisies on Emma's cheesecake), picking up the gift, now the goody bags are getting goofier (pop rock candy, the gooey spray in a can, mardi gras masks and glow bracelets for the skating rink) and the sleep overs. I never believed in the 'rent the damn pony' parties like my children were invited to. Never quite got into the 'rent a Cinderella carriage at the club' either. It's the one day I DO let my children eat whatever they want. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. If I had eaten what Emma ate (sausage biscuit for breakfast, chicken fingers and mac & cheese for lunch with a tiaramisu dessert, pizza for dinner with her cheesecake) I would have instantly gained 50 pounds and I think arteries would have clogged immediately therefore sending me straight into the cheesecake. Alas, I am not 11 though.
Which brings me to my body. I am not 11. I am not 22. I am not even 33. I am 42. I remember my Grandmother telling me when I was about 13 that inside she felt the exact same as I did, it was the outside that was having trouble keeping up. Brilliant woman! Sweet Gramma. She was my step-mother's Mom. She lived with us in the house in Lexington, something so few people get to enjoy now. I want to be her when I grow up. I watched Spanglish last night and realized that the Grandmother part, reminded me so much of her. Smiling, laughing, always something funny and good to say. She would pat your hand and DING it's 5:00 o'clock. It's Scotch time. She died peacefully in her sleep at 85.
OK back to the body thing. I'm walking but not 'hoofing it'. My friend Lisa said it best yesterday "I am the worst. If I can't find the ipod or I don't have any water or if it looks like it might rain, I won't go to the gym". Well, I don't go to the gym. I walk in the hood here. Which, I do love. But I realized that although I might be satisfied with what's going on everywhere else in my life, my body is not one of those areas.
I'm not sagging like a raisin or anything. And I did get excited & was SO complimented when they carded me at Harris Teeter, until I realized it was THE LAW. Not a good moment. But a needed one. I DO feel the same on the inside that I did when I was 20, but my body is trying to rebel against me a little bit right now and I'm getting pretty pissed about it. Can't sleep one minute, so exhausted the next I can't keep my eyes open. Not really hungry very much, but it appears if I went 1 calorie over 20 per day, I would be the size of a barn. Now, who's gene pool did that one come from?! And no, it's not THE change. I checked.
My eldest has been having body issues for the past year. She is the shortest in her class but gorgeous! And she hates that she has curves. She's not the stick straight skinny jeans type, unlike most of her friends. There are obese kids out there, but they don't seem to congregate around my children. So, arguments ensue about what looks best on her body in the dressing room nearly every time for a few months there. And I remember being there! I remember what it was like to be the non stick child. I got boobs before ANY body in my class did. I don't want to go too far down that path, but let's just say I had breast reduction surgery 16 years ago because of the trauma that put me through. No kidding.
So, I get it. I tell my daughter that every time she tries to say "You don't understand" because I DO! The names people called me in 7th grade were horrific. Which, in turn, gave me a very very sharp tongue. Took me a long time to drop that one. It still pops out every once in a while, but only when it's absolutely necessary. Promise. Good not evil uses.
While I was sleeping Julia crawled into bed and said "Mommy you really are beautiful. I don't know why you worry about your weight. You're not fat." I opened my eyes and said "Back at 'cha kiddo". She smiled and said "I'll try" and I said "I will too".
I don't want to give my children body issues. I've tried very hard not to even step into that realm. But what message am I sending them when I'm not happy with my body? What am I saying to them? They are gorgeous! No kidding, gorgeous. Stop in your tracks gorgeous. Both as babies and now young ladies.
I don't want them to get hung up on boobs, butts and botox. I don't do Botox, by the way. Have had no plastic anything inserted, injected or slathered on me.
I have figured out one huge reason why I am a bit more paranoid than usual. It's my friends. They are all very thin, beautiful women. And several are younger than I am. Most of them don't have children and/or are divorced. But the ones that are married with children are thin too. I mean skinny thin. I don't think ONE of my close, close friends is larger than a size 6. That's half the average size woman. HAH. Kidding.
So my intention with this is to snap out of it! Jeeezusah. I'm tired of even thinking about it. I had a dream that I 'found' a check for $20,000 and sat there weighing whether I should use it for plastic surgery or pay off part of the house. Didn't come to any conclusions before I woke up.
What does that say about me? No wait. Don't answer that.
Every day I need to work on getting the image of a skinny, tiny, wee bity person out of my head. And hopefully that will help my daughter as well.
This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
